IELTS Task 2: Workshopping a student’s essay

males-2142831_1920Last week two students got a free essay correction service as part of the new website promotion. Here is the first. It often helps to look at others’ essays to highlight the pros and cons of your own work.

These days more fathers stay at home and take care of

their children while mothers go out to work. What could

be the reasons for this? Do you think it is a positive or

negative development?

Nowadays, stay-at-home Dads are on the rise, while Mums are more career orientated. This essay will explain the reasons behind such phenomenon, whilst explaining why I believe this is a negative development.  This introduction is very well done … it paraphrases the context and then deals with the question(s).

There are several reasons why fathers decide to stay at home while mothers go out to work. Firstly, money plays an important role. In other words, if the mother earns more than the father, she will be the one continuing working so that a better income is provided for the family. Secondly, in today’s society it is more socially acceptable for men to play a nurturing role instead of being the breadwinner. For instance, schools often involve fathers in activities such as cooking, gardening, reading which, in the old days, were strictly a mum field. (This is not a good example of the point.)  Finally, mothers are choosing career over being a housewife.  Studies conducted by the University of Cambridge show that mothers have a higher sense of fulfilment at work than in the household. (Again — does the second sentence really explain the first?)

The first paragraph starts well, but it falls apart a bit. The example in the second point is not strong. Also, the third reason needs to have a more relevant explanation. Just because mothers have a higher sense of fulfilment when working, this does not demonstrate the fact that women are choosing career over home duties.

In my opinion, there are negative and positive outcomes of such development. A positive aspect could be that fathers are finally more involved in their children’s lives. For example, In in the past men had no idea whatsoever of their children’s lives as they were out for most part of the day.  There are, however, several drawbacks with having fathers being more present then mothers in the child’s life. A negative argument is that fathers are less meticulous in house duties than mother (watch your plurals here.) For instance, there is a big difference in how a mum folds the bed sheets than a dad. Moreover, meals prepared by dads have less nutritional benefits than meals prepared my mums-these arguments don’t really make sense – there isn’t any evidence to suggest this – consider that some men are chefs/nutritionists, etc. Also, are there any negative consequences to someone not folding bed sheets neatly? (I can’t think of any.)

In conclusion, I believe that the negative aspects of such phenomenon outline outweigh the positive ones. In other words, the benefit of having mums at home are grater greater as they tend to deliver better care to the children than dads. (This is not what you were asked – in the conclusion you are suddenly answering a different question and introducing a new idea. You need to sum up your essay. In this case something like this:

In conclusion, finances, changing social norms, and new choices for women are the main reason that more men and women are moving away from the traditional breadwinner/home-maker roles. While there are some positives to this development, in my opinion, there a mostly negative consequences. 

Overall comment:

This is a good start. There is an introduction, 2 body paragraphs and a conclusion. The introduction is good. More work is needed on the body paragraphs. In particular, your examples and explanations are not strong. You conclusion needs to clearly sum up what you have written so far. 

 

 

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